Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
