it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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