hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
