i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
