From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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