I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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