i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
