I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
