did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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