I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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