I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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