Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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