The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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