better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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