I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
