Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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