We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
