i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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