I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
