Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
