My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
