Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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