True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
