My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
