I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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