I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
we should paint friendship bongs
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