im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
