i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
