my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
