I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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