Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
