Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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