you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
