No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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