I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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