He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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