I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
