my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
