nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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