I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
