Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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