The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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