I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
