**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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