Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
