i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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