Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
