But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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