Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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