well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I stole a fireplace last night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
