Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
