My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
