either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
