I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
