Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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