Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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