The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
