i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I supernannyed him into submission
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
