Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
