Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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