Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
